What brought me here..

               Untitled

Here I stand,
my hallow friend,

I bought front row tickets to the latest band.
They're playing the saddest, softest melody,

It's the soundtrack to this lonely forgotten sea.
Cold and deep the water goes,
The true depths of darkness this vast ocean reaches,
remains unknown.
Try as they might, and attempt as they will,
No immortal nor man, can break through her swell.
Shipwrecked and damaged,
an ocean which was once just a girl,
with blood running through her veins 

and the most fragile curls.
Upon his arrival, her Knight by the lake,
he swept her up slowly, 
as it seemed effortless fate.
No day of drear could silence her smile.
He taught her to love, 
all its wonder and while.
Each sunrise he'd come,
to adore his young beauty,
and by sunset they'd lay
to confess their love truly.
On a hammock under stars, no lips could compare,
to the ocean of love felt with each moment they shared.
As time did encroach, 
as it always does,
The knight by the lake solemnly left his truelove
No good byes and no letter,
no words could be exchanged,
just his promised return
and how they'd then be engaged.

Now, love is determined, and devoted at very least
she waited with the time, 
and she wrote of her weeks.
She filled pages upon pages
of their love, now and past,
and she planned of their future,
far from the Midwest.
Day in and day out,
she held hope in her heart.
No tears ever fell, 
and the doubts she would thwart. 

As time fell heavily upon her bones,
she realized that waiting was the only thing he'd left her of her own.
No Knight would appear, 
no, not for her.
She grew tired and weary, 
and sick of the stir.
Each moment devoted, 
to her long distant past.
Each moment passing,
her days nearing their last.
 The lake had become, an ocean all on it's own.
As an old woman, heart broken, sad and alone,
she became part of the sea, 
and left only this poem:

"I once loved a boy,
who grew to a man.
The only lips to ever kiss,
only hand to hold my hand.

I once knew a love,
so deep, and so pure, 
he gave me his heart,
I never needed to ask for more.

But love is fleeting,
as time is too,
I have perished alone,
but to my heart,
I stayed true"

About a year and a half ago now, I was engaged and on my way to becoming a military wife. I had been with the same man the majority of my life. We met at age 6 and were the epitome of childhood sweethearts. I was going to move with him to where he was stationed after the wedding and attend school. Being a military wife gives you a lot of benefits, although they never outweigh the heartache when you have to be away from each other. It’s so strange thinking that if I hadn’t broken off the engagement; I’d be living in some other state, studying something like business and be a married woman.

                A year a half later, after cutting my ex out of my life, I’ve become a completely new person. I depend on no one but myself and could never see myself being engaged again, let alone married. I realized in the time that has passed that things truly do happen for a reason, whether that reason shall be good or bad. Time reveals all things, and the truth will always rise up to the light for those who push through the dark. It took a little over a year to start healing, and part of me will always belong to that part of my life. But I was meant to go through it, I believe, so that I could be strong enough to come here. This is the part of my life I was always preparing for. All of that hurt was just the conditioning for the true challenges that face me here in this incredible city.

                Before, I’d mentioned that I wanted to write a book before I’m 25. Well, I’ve seen too many people get lost while growing up. The best way out, is always through. That resonated with me when it was said in class because that’s how I live my life. When you lose yourself in a relationship, whether it’s with friend or a romantic relationship, you start to forget what made you, you. The world will only ever have one of me, and you or anyone else and that is the most valuable thing you can have in this world; to be your own person and let it be known how rare you are.

                Love is not a victory march.
                I think we often forget that. Even with friends and family. You don’t have to be the best or accomplish the most to be valuable. By competing, all you’re doing is hurting because in the end, someone will lose. And in the game of life, you’re not going to win every time. You must learn to live with grace and conviction, to expel jealousy and hate and to embrace discomfort and hurt because from all of this you will grow wisdom. I’d never understood this until I left the Christian faith altogether and studied Buddhism. What goes around shall come around, but that doesn’t mean that you will be there to see any of it. You need to trust in yourself, and in whatever you choose to believe in that if you’re a good person, and do what is right that you will succeed. Although someone else’s success may seem immediate and unfair, you don’t know their life the way they do so you should not be one to judge. Just because you are not in the limelight at this moment, doesn’t mean your moment won’t come.

                If my ex hadn’t hurt me the way he did, and I had stayed in the engagement and not broken it off; I would have never met any of you. I would be cooking dinner, possibly earning a mundane degree living somewhere on a military base. But I pushed through. I knew that being cheated on was not acceptable and I didn’t give in and let him have another chance. I knew that as a human being who’d done nothing but love someone, I deserved better. 

Now, I know that I may never find someone who I feel the same way about, or I could meet them tomorrow, but that’s not really the point is it? The point is that I want as many people to hear my story and know that it’s never really the end. You can say goodbye, but one goodbye translates into so many more hellos. You will never be given a guarantee about what tomorrow will bring, but you can make today as fulfilling as you so choose. Life is not about what comes next, it’s about what you’re doing now, to make the next step possible.